a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
