three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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