I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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