This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
