i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
