I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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