Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
