Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
