I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
