she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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