Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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