Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
