note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
