connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
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I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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