Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
