I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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