would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
