Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
