you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
