Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
