Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I fill condoms, not promises.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
