so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
my liver is dry heaving
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
