P.S. I can't hear my feet
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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