You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
