I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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