my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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