You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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