we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
