Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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