2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize