god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Will you blow on my dice?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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