How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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