For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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