So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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