he shaved USA in his pubs
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
