She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
