I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
