I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
