you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
