Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
