I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
