My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
How external is "for external use only"?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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