WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
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Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
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THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?