Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.