thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
