I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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