I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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