Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
