My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
