i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
