a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
