I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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