she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
