My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
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