so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
