fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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