My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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